As I am intending to candidate for the Diaconate in 2010 I have been downloading the new information for candidates from the Methodist website.
There seems to be pages and pages to familiarise myself with and a strict timetable of events to follow.
The most important thing to do before the end of the year would seem to be the compilation of a Portfolio of Experience that details a developing call and associated experiences.
My first reaction, upon seeing the Guidelines and trying to assimilate so much information was to cry "I'll never do it. It's too difficult and I'm not good enough." I am no longer a bright young thing, I am at the age when I had expected to be winding down to a nice retirement by the sea somewhere. I am partially-sighted and reading can be tiring and a struggle sometimes. I experienced the "Why me, God and why NOW!" feelings and felt a rising sense of panic!
Part of me was hoping that the answer to that plea would be "Well never mind, don't bother. It is too much to expect of you, just keep on as you are and I'll ask someone else." Naturally that didn't happen. Instead I was aware of an even more urgent sense that I have to do this, God demands it, and , alongside this, a sense of comfort that it will work out, the Portfolio will eventually be ready, the forms filled in and the acts of worship assessed. A realisation that I am not, after all, on my own, that God demands this but will be with me to help see it through.
In the last couple of days I have been offered a place on a course of Old and New Testament studies ( One of my worries was my lack of knowledge of Scripture) and an excellent mentor has been found to guide me through the coming months.
The clock is ticking, the process has begun! No going back.. .